Small Skirmishes Surround the Battle

Week 5, Day 6

It was my first week in the field.

I don’t know what day it happened.  This is all happening so fast.  Somewhere deep inside myself, I always knew the battle would be about as mentally debilitating as it was physically.  I began to wonder what exactly would be waiting for me at the end of this first year at the Academy.

I felt stronger physically and mentally.  There were no issues there.  Our diets were 98% plant based at the Academy and an overwhelming majority of us students reported extraordinary enhancements in acquired abilities.

Because of this ‘purity‘ it seemed some kind of way that some filter had been taken off.  And by filter I don’t mean the blinders.

It was as if every thought I had that went against the Truth I had learned caused a spiritual pain that sometimes left me frozen in my seat.  I thought at times that I was invincible, and every thought was pure.  I’d always been capable of talking a fantastic game, even going as far as to say that I would take a bullet for loved ones and even the ones I don’t know.  And 98% of the time I believed it.

The thing about the Academy, and the trials I was encountering, is that every story I had ever told myself was going to be tested.  These tests, weren’t going to be Eric from the office talking about how much he golfed or drank this past weekend while you pretend to listen.  These weren’t going to be the three hour traffic jam.

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In the hours to minutes leading up the this point, the faith that had been unwavering for a moment flickered.  I didn’t believe it.  Was my heart acknowledging a loss?  No, just meditate.  You’re fine.  Nothing matters except the end goal.  I can do this.

Wait.  This pain.  It was hard to breath and, my head, well I couldn’t tell if I had suddenly gotten sick, but I had to take a knee.  I’d never passed out from anything, I didn’t have time to run my body scan.

When I looked up the target I had locked in on was gone.  Click.  The 2%.

That wasn’t what I thought it was.  Couldn’t have been.  I’m way too good at what I do for anybody to ever get the best of me.  But was that true?  In the split second that happened next it slowed down to feeling like hours.

Any pain or fear that you’ve ever felt, becomes a weight in the center of your chest, that feels like a virus spreading through your chest.  I was frozen.  In that moment, my righteous flame that had been burning within without fail since I’d entered the Academy almost left the wick.

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Because I had been essentially conquering all of my fears, with each subsequent conquered mental barrier came another heavier, more terrifying fear, strong enough to make one lose consciousness from the mental stress.  It is in THAT moment, and that moment alone, can one truly overcome the weight of the fear.  It isn’t until one is cornered that strategy can finally  be implemented with instinct.  It isn’t until one meets eye to eye what they once thought would kill them that they realize they want to live.

I wanted to live.  I wanted to live freely, not bound by anyone or anything.  I wanted all the fear gone.  In the moment that my heart felt like it would explode from the spiritual pressure, that I remembered.  It really didn’t matter what happened to me.  I would get through this, all of it was the same.  Whether I died or lived was of no consequence, it was if I went out on my terms and my terms alone that I had victory in life and death.

There was no situation that I could not control.  And that included this one.

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